First Impressions: Pokemon Conquest

"I choose you Gabite!"
"Aw, fu...."

Welcome to First Impressions, the only review of a game you'll find based on 5 hours or less of play.  Why?  Because a game might be old news when I start playing; you shouldn't have to wait until I finish to get a review!  So here are my impressions from just picking up the game and giving it an honest chance, but not seeing it through to the end (just yet)!

Now, when I hear the words, "Samurai Warriors spinoff game," I usually run and hide.  I consider Samurai Warriors a clunky spinoff of Dynasty Warriors anyway, and Koei's spinoffs have historically been nothing but terrible.  Here's a quick list of things I like happening to me better than playing a spinoff of Dynasty Warriors (or the first person version on Wii for that matter):

Be subjected to the full length Nyan Cat video
Get hit on by a sweaty obese crossplayer
Have my own Navi in real life
Get cut on by Kratos
Live the rest of my life in a Pokeball

How did Nobunaga get a shiny?  I want a shiny!

Anywho.... when Pokemon Conquest came my way, I had to at least check it out.  I don't have faith in Koei's spin-offs, but Pokemon spin-offs have always been good for their genres.  Mystery Dungeon is only good if you like step-based dungeon delvers, but if you do, it's a pretty awesome game.  Pokemon Snap actually has a ton of depth for a photography game.  So I wanted to see how these two franchises could work when teamed up.

Fortunately, Samurai Warriors is really only a motif.  The game takes place in the Ransei region, where Pokemon and Warriors fight side by side....  Well, the Warriors mostly scream from the sidelines and occasionally toss the Pokemon a buff.  The Warriors are following a legend that whoever can unite the kingdoms under one leader will be able to find a legendary Pokemon of immense power, so everyone is scrambling to be the guy who gets it all together.  But aside from a unification of kingdoms plot line and a few recognizable characters, there really isn't much interference of the Samurai Warrirors mechanics, which is good, because they just don't translate well outside of a standard Warriors game.  What you do get is pretty solid tactics game.

Are you a boy or a girl?
This game feels like Pokemon from the get go.
I chose the adorable anime boy, obviously.

You start with just two characters: your hero and Oichi, a charmingly befuddled kunoichi.  You start with Eevee and she sports a pretty haus Jigglypuff  (though you'll find Eevee outgrows the marshmallow Pokemon pretty quickly).  As you go on defeating other Warriors and claiming their castles, the game picks up pace exponentially.  You'll quickly run into a variety of Pokemon.  At just 3 hours of play, you can easily have 30+ characters, each with at least one Pokemon out of a solid 5 or 6 types.  The pace seems to pick up even more just a few battles in, when you gain the ability to link with new Pokemon, giving your Warriors a bit of versatility in battle.  You can only use one Pokemon per Warrior, but the difference between Scraggy and Shinx goes a long way when you find a kingdom populated largely with Flying types.

The battle system is a bit familiar; I've been calling the game, "Pokemon Tactics Advance."  The Pokemon immunities / resistances / supereffectives all stay in place, meaning you have to choose your team more carefully than in other games.  It's largely about who you're attacking and not as much about forming a team that fights well together.  Moreover, each Pokemon has only one move, and moves have a specific target area, which means you have to be very careful when you choose where to have your Pokemon stand to ensure your enemies are in the target range.  Selecting a team with a variety of attack ranges allows you to stockpile attacks on a single enemy. 

Looks like Empoleon is using Bubblebeam.
Notice those weird balls?  Neither does Empoleon.

Where the game falls short is that it is underwhelmingly easy.  You'll find that other than major boss battles, you won't really need to change your team much or worry about strategies.  You just throw the Pokemon you like at them until they die.  Interactive scenery in the battlefields doesn't really mean much either.  Most of the time, you'll just ignore it to take a cheap shot at an enemy.  I often even forget that terrain exists, which is a big problem for this game.  It shouldn't be as overly complicated as Suikoden Tactics's use-an-item-to-make-the-ground-your-element system, but with a game as Type-dependent as Pokemon, a little more interactivity with the environment would have been nice.  There is some presence of Type mattering: Fire Pokemon walk through magma and Water Pokemon swim, but it really doesn't seem to make a major difference in the battles, other than Flying types being insanely useful.  Fortunately, you can up the difficulty by trying to recruit new Warriors or Pokemon during battle to make up for this.

The true maximum for links is 100%, but only the right
Warrior-Pokemon combination can reach them.

The other major complaint is that the menu system is clunky at best.  It turns the game's greatest strength - an incredibly wide variety of playable characters - to its greatest weakness.  Each character must be managed individually, which would be okay, except that you can't see what Pokemon they have access to until you enter their submenu.  What's worse is that the Warriors only have a handful of avatars, so it's easy to confuse them.  Depending on how you enter the menu, there may not even be a button to move to the next Warrior.  Instead, you have to back out of the Warrior's stat screen, look through all the ones that look the same as him, and then find the one that you like just to check and see if his secondary Pokemon was a Starly or a Charmander.  A limit to the number of Warriors who can chill at each castle also serves to make this more annoying, as you'll be shuffling Warriors around constantly.  You can delegate pieces of this process to the computer, but I never trust an NPC to do it right, so I get stuck looking at every detail and engaging in battles with a single Zubat over a teeny tiny exp gain.  Then there's the perfect match Pokemon.  This is when a Pokemon is a perfect match with its Warrior, and they can reach the game's equivalent level 100.  Most Pokemon you recruit will get capped somewhere between 30 and 90.  Unfortunately, after you recruit the Pokemon, it's hard to tell which is which anymore, because the menu barely differentiates, so you have to hope you remember.

The bad aside, this game is addictive to play.  The scenarios manage to stay fresh enough that you can enjoy it, whether or not you do the hardcore grind the way I do.  The Grass kingdom wants you to race to banners and gather them all at once.  The Fighting kingdom won't join you unless you can defeat them at king of the hill (one of my favorite levels).  There's also something wonderfully nostalgic about this game.  It feels like you're back playing Red / Blue when you suffer with Magikarp and finally turn around and your Gyarados demolishes the other Pokemon.  Teams of 6 Warrior-Pokemon pairs gives it that feel of a Pokemon game that you just don't get with other franchises.  That's what makes Pokemon Conquest a success.  Other tactics games are out there and good, but somehow, the charm of the Pokemon world comes through with a sense of discovery I haven't experienced from the franchise since it started.

I can't tell you how I'll feel by the time I get to the end of the game, but at a first glance, Pokemon Conquest gets 4 eventual Eevee evolutions out of 5 (... well 7, but 5 -- You know what I mean.)

Eh... you're really only a 6, but sure.

PARTY NEWS

With my birthday party last week, I'm still exhausted!  <-_-">  I want to thank everyone who gave me a present, though!  It was awesome, and you can rest assured, I'll have plenty of games to play for a while!  The next edition of Hardcore @Vlada is almost a month away, coming up on August 15th, but I can tell you already -- We're going classic!  We'll have an N64, SNES, and PS2 on hand, and when I think about classic gaming, I can't think of a better big screen game than Pokemon Snap, so get ready to impress Professor Oak with your photography skills!  Until then, if you want to party and dance the night away in a non-nerdy fashion, you can find me at XL every Thursday and Saturday.  And I'm always available to hang out and kick some ass!

Charizard just got someone a ton of points!

... And I'll Still Kick Your Ass (My Pokemon Team)

With my birthday party coming up (Wed July 18 at Vlada Lounge in NYC), I think it's time to let you all know.  I'm a badass.  Yep, no use denying it.  I kick ass.  And of the many talented varieties in which I kick ass, I definitely kick ass as a Pokemon trainer!  I do all the crazy shit -- IV breeding (inherited stats), EV training (stats earned from battles), nature selection (a predilection towards certain stats); I'll even sometimes play previous games to transfer Pokemon over with moves they can no longer learn.  I've put the most effort into my Diamond and Pearl team, but with Black and White's bevy of new, totally badass Pokemon, I just can't take that step back to DP (Have your giggle now, boys.).  So if you're willing to whip out your DS, I'm accepting all challengers for bragging rights and maybe a prize or two at my party!  Which is why I'm telling you all about my current team for Pokemon Black and White.  So you have a sporting chance.  ^_~

Now this isn't my best team by any means, but to add some credibility to my claims, how about some credentials?  I've taken some variation of these guys through the battle subway and beat each division of regular train (except I haven't bothered with WiFi).  I've yet to conquer the super trains, but you'll probably see a few glaring weaknesses that a solid STAB attack of a certain type can exploit.  Plus, they've still got their HMs.  I'll probably fix that before Hardcore, so don't expect those.

Adorable and menacing!

"Renton" Gliscor (Lv. 56)
The Mischievous Scorpion Pokemon
Ground / Flying Type

Moves: Ariel Ace / Swords Dance / U-turn / Bulldoze
Ability: Hyper Cutter
Item: Persim Berry

I like to start off with Renton, who has a pretty decent move pool for unforeseen circumstances.  His moves don't have a ton of raw power, but Ariel Ace always hits and Bulldoze not only hits all Pokemon (including any teammates, so I have to be careful), but it also lowers their speed.  That part is important, because it can actually help me out depending on which Pokemon I have on the field.  Gliscor's typing makes it immune to Ground, which is always a benefit, and if I can get off a Swords Dance or two, Renton's attack skyrockets.  U-turn is also a good Get Out of Jail Free card, doing some damage before trading in a Pokemon better for the situation.  Hyper Cutter prevents Renton's attack from ever being lowered, which means that if I can increase his attack, the only way to curb his power is to drop him or force a switch.  Finally, his greatest weakness (aside from a quick ice attack) is confusion, and specifically moves like Swagger.  The Persim Berry does a great job keeping him from getting caught up in traps like that, and often saves him a use of Swords Dance.

Carracosta is ready for battle!

"Mizukami" Carracosta (Lv. 64)
The Ancient Turtle Pokemon
Water / Rock Type

Moves: Waterfall / Surf / Curse / Rock Slide
Ability: Solid Rock
Item: Shell Bell

Mizukami has a major problem right off the bat, which is its double water attacks.  It's a holdover from using him to travel throughout the game, but at least has the versatility of choosing whether or not to attack the whole field.  Curse increases his already high defense and his attack, which is his primary offensive stat, and Rock Slide is another decent STAB that hits multiple foes.  Shell Bell lets Mizukami recover some health based on attacks, and Solid Rock helps to eliminate weaknesses, though the 4x Grass type weakness usually is enough to power through his defenses.  Overall, he makes a decent tank with some clearing power, especially since grass is a less used typed in Black and White than it was in previous games.

I'm pretty sure it harasses Japanese school girls.

"Benkeisama" Ferrothorn (Lv. 65)
The Unassailable Shrine Pokemon
Grass / Steel Type

Moves: Curse / Power Whip / Ingrain / Gyro Ball
Ability: Iron Barbs
Item: Rocky Helmet

Named after Benkei, man-servant to Lord Yoshitsune and a fixture in Japanese folklore, my Ferrothorn serves the same purpose.  Benkei died protecting Yoshitsune's castle.  He stood in the gate alone and, like crashing waves, slew after slew of enemies fell against his spear.  Even after Benkei was felled by a legion of archers, his huge body blocked the entrance to the castle, and the frightened warriors refused to step over him.  Yoshitsune killed his family and himself in the intervening time, which is apparently honorable, but I swear our battle won't end the same way.

The focus of Benekisama's strategy is to get hit with a touch move.  Tackle, (Type) Fang moves, Bite, (Adjective) Punch, etc, etc.  Pretty much anything counts if you imagine your Pokemon has to physically land a blow instead of shoot some kind of projectile / psychic attack / whatever at your enemy.  Iron Barbs deals 1/8th of the attacker's health in damage if they hit you with a touch move.  The Rocky Helmet - well, it does the same damn thing.  Moves like Fury Swipe which hit multiple times trigger both effects multiple times, usually outright killing the attacker.  Combine it with the defensive Steel type and Ferrothorn's obnoxiously high defense, and most touch attacks result in the attacker taking more damage than Benkeisama does.  That's where his other moves come in.  Ingrain will heal him over time, just a little each turn, but eventually that will outweigh the damage.  Curse increases his defense and attack stats in exchange for lowering his speed which is already ridiculously low.  At level 65, Benkeisama's speed is barely in the double digits.  Power Whip, though relatively inaccurate, is a high power STAB, but Gyro Ball is the true attack move.  Not only does Gyro Ball always hit (unless accuracy lowering effects are used), but it gets a bonus to its power based on how much slower Benkeisama is than his enemy.  So using Curse has a three-fold effect: defense up, attack up, and attack up again.

And this makes Pikachu irrelevant.

"Kurono" Galvantula (Lv. 66)
The Lightning Spider Pokemon
Electric / Bug Type

Moves: Electroweb / Bug Buzz / Agility / Electro Ball
Ability: Compound Eyes
Item: Magnet

If Benkeisama is about being slow and unmovable, Kurono, named for the Gantz character, is about speed and a signature rocketing attack: Electro Ball.  A special attacker, Galvantula is about moving faster than the other Pokemon, and his moves help that.  Electroweb hits multiple foes, slowing them in addition.  Agility increases Galvantula's speed significantly.  And Electro Ball deals enhanced damage based on the difference in speed between the attacker and defender, the exact opposite of Benkeisama's Gyro Ball.  This makes them difficult to pair together, but Bug Buzz adds some type coverage to take care of pesky Psychic types and gives Kurono some options.  Compound Eyes and the Magnet aren't too essential; the first ups Kurono's accuracy, but Electro Ball already hits every time unless the enemy uses a buff or debuff, and Magnet just ups the damage of Electric type attacks.  Hmmm, that could be more effective... I guess you never know when I may go out of my way to get an Air Balloon, though...

Pokemon don't believe in belts.

"Jasmine" Scrafty (Lv. 61)
The Thug Life Pokemon
Dark / Fighting Type

Moves: Strength / Crunch / Brick Break / Hi Jump Kick
Ability: Shed Skin
Item: Expert Belt

I'm not going to say that Scrafty is a black guy, so let's just say that Scrafty's idle animation includes it holding up some weird piece of hip flesh that is definitely not pants, then letting go and watching the not-pants slide below its hips.  So, yeah... Anyway, Jasmine is a hardcore bitch.  The Dark type eliminates Fighting type's greatest weakness, Psychic attacks.  Shed Skin is vaguely useful, as it can randomly cure ailments, but for the most part, Jasmine's job is to do some damage and then do some more, but she's resilient enough to take a hit or two.  The Expert Belt helps by increasing any supereffective damage done.  Strength is decent damage, but it's really just there because she was with me most of the game.  Crunch and Hi Jump Kick are two somewhat powerful STABs, but if I can't risk Hi Jump Kick's miss-and-crash-like-a-foo' chance, which deals Jasmine significant damage, Brick Break is a solid substitute.  It also has the added benefit of destroying Barrier and Reflect shields that they might put up.  Sure, it's a bit redundant, so maybe I'll make a choice between those before the party.  After all, I've got to keep you guys on your toes!

That's 5 ft and 1,000 lbs of pure badass.

"Bowser" Metagross (Lv. 64)
The Psychic Tank Pokemon
Psychic / Steel Type

Moves: Agility / Meteor Mash / Zen Headbutt / Hyper Beam
Ability: Clear Body
Item: Leftovers

Using a Metagross is like playing in easy mode.  It's an over-used tier Pokemon, which is a general indication that its stats are high.  The Psychic / Steel typing gives it a nice defensive advantage.  Fighting types can't just chew through it the way they would other Steel types, giving it a chance to retaliate with its hefty attack stat and, likely, a supereffective move.

Bowser's Clear Body is a solid ability, preventing his stats from being lowered, which eliminates debuff Pokemon and lets him ride out Renton's Bulldoze if necessary without taking the hit to his speed.  Leftovers will keep his health up by recovering a bit each turn, so he's hard to put down.  Agility is a bit of a wild card, because he usually shouldn't care if he moves last, but just one Agility can change the turn order, and the Clear Body ensures his speed won't go back down.  Then his moveset is all about damage.  Meteor Mash and Zen Headbutt are Steel and Psychic type STABs, respectively, giving him some power, and in a worse case scenario, Hyper Beam's massive power is worth the recharge time he suffers after.  Overall, he's a powerhouse.


You've got a lot to worry about, but if you want to challenge me, go ahead.  I'll put you in your place, even with most of my secrets posted here!  I may change a thing or two, though, so don't be surprised if I show up with another BAMF Pokemon to kick your ass!

PARTY NEWS!

Okay, this one is obvious.  Hardcore @Vlada: It's My Birthday and You'll Play What I Want You To is this Wednesday!  Featured games are Skylanders Spyro's Adventure on the big screen and Champions Return to Arms and Super Smash Bros. Brawl in the VIP Lounge.  If anybody has any super secret mods that include certain Legend of Zelda Skyward Sword themed levels... well, feel free to bring it on a Wii SD card and we'll try it out.  We're also featuring a $6 drink special -- The Quintessential Gaymer -- designed by yours truly!  It'll taste like Cherry Coke but be significantly more alcoholic.  But if you don't like Cherry Coke, all infused vodka drinks are available for just $6, so you can order any of our previous drinks if you do it by ingredient.  I'm still feeling the Falcon Punch! -- OJ, grenadine, and Vlada's house blend of pepper vodka.  It's like getting punched in the throat!

5 Characters who Suck at EVERYTHING

Some games have total badass characters.  Good guys or bad guys, they're the guys who have to love, even if you hate them.  I have to respect an upscale businessman who, when challenged to a duel, calls, "Panther," as his weapon.  Video games are littered with them.  Link is always a total badass.  Sephiropth and Cloud are the opposing forces of good and bad for their world.  Gary Oak has a determination that is just plain unsettling.  N, goes as far as to actually catch the legendary Pokemon and pretty much conquer the world until 8 gym leaders barge into his castle just so you have a shot at getting to him in time to stop him (not to mention having a frickin' Zoroark in his party!  That's not even in the game!).

But some characters just have nothing going for them.  They're not compelling, they're not badass, and they usually only make things worse.  Let's take a look at a few characters whose only purpose in existence, like the ugly girl at the bar, is just to make other characters look better.

Waluigi -- Super Mario Bros. series

This is what pointlessness looks like.

Mario has a foil.  His name is Luigi.  He has a nemesis.  His name is Bowser.  In fact, there are tons of extra characters who also fit into the diverse relationships in the Mushroom Kingdom.  Donkey Kong, Wart, Birdo, Magikoopa, Bowser Jr., a slew of Koopa Kids... yet somewhere along the line, Nintendo decided Mario needed one more bozo to fight and his name was Wario.  Then they spat out his obnoxiously dumb little brother.  Due to an obsession with symmetry, Wario wasn't enough, and Luigi needed his own pointlessly opposite antagonist.  And that's where Waluigi comes in.  He's got no goals of his own, no talents, and clearly no fashion sense.  At least Wario had his own line of motivation that grew in Wario Land and other titles, but Waluigi only seems to even have the concept of self as defined by being Luigi's opposite.  Congratulations, you're the pale imitation of the second-stringer.  His existence at all is a classic case of taking the foil antagonist concept too far, and it's just... it's just sad.  With Waluigi's most impressive appearance being Mario Party 3 as someone to just toss around, he really deserves his own VH1 Where Are They Now? special.  It wouldn't be pretty.

Meg -- Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn

See those stats?  That's Meg losing half her health to cannon fodder.

Don't remember Meg?  Here's why.  She's useless.  The daughter of Brom, Meg follows in her dad's footsteps by donning a suit of armor to live out her life as a meatshield.  But where Brom was good at taking hits for you and even better at throwing power-heavy hits right back, Meg has one of the lowest defense scores in the game.  Seriously!  There are mages with higher defense than her!  If you're trying to perfect the game, the best use for Meg is to take her out of battles, as she's such a liability that it's a better strategy to just leave her slot empty if you don't have any other characters to fill it.  She has no special abilities, she can only get poked once or twice with a sharp pointy before she drops, and if an enemy mage gets anywhere near her, you'll just have a melted tin can.  But then again, she's the fat chick everyone makes insensitive jokes about behind her back, so it might be an improvement.  I'd forgive her or even try to train her if she was one of those frustratingly cool characters who happens to suck in battle, but her subplot isn't cool, either.  In fact, it's not tragic, not melodramatic, not intense, not witty; she's really just awkward.  Meg left her home to go find mercenary swordsman, Zihark, because Brom had once quipped, "Hey, y'know who'd be a nice guy to marry?  Zihark.  Yeah, one of you girls should marry him."  So she dragged her stupid ass across 3 countries to find the guy and be greeted with, "... Yeah... so that's not happening."  That's where I smashed my head against the table.  I'd say that Meg should just stay in the kitchen, but she has to suck at that, too.  After all, she left home to go to another country on a lover's errand months before the game starts and her own father doesn't even realize she left until he bumps into her as part of the same army.  I guess Brom didn't want to use her for the household chores any more than I wanted to use her on the battlefield

Female -- Shin Megami Tensei series
(specifically: Yuzu Tanikawa -- Devil Survivor)

It's a demon.  Try killing it.

Every Shin Megami Tensei game has one: a girl who says, "Oh, I'm a total badass.  Yep, I sure am!  Oh nooooooeeeessss!  There are monsters and I'm one of the few in the world with the power to fight them!  I just want to give up all this power and run away from them and live with you, Main Character, alone on an island in the middle of nowhere popping out babies and snuggling for eternity!"  Ugh.  She's the girl who not only wants to give up her crazy cool super powers, but she wants you to give yours up, too, and sometimes she wants the entire cast of the game to give up its super powers.  Yukari, Chie, Zelenin -- all these femme fe-fails have moments of fighting tooth and nail to avoid anything fun, awesome, or inspiring about their adventure, but none is worse than Yuzu Tanikawa from SMT: Devil Survivor.

In Devil Survivor, you get thrown into a battle between demons over the fate of Hell itself (and by extension, the human world, since they have a tendency to try to conquer it), and characters urge you towards three possible endings: Take up the sword in God's name and throw down the demons, find a way for humans and demons to coexist, or side with the demons against this jackass God fellow.  Yuzu's opinion?  Cry in a corner and talk about the upcoming English test until the world ends.  She constantly urges you to just wait and see if the world gets better and tries to avoid the issues at hand.  There's only one silver lining to Yuzu Tanikawa -- if you make the right choices within the game, you can force her out of your party for good.  Thank God.  Ironically.

Big the Cat -- Sonic the Hedgehog series

I've seen this face on 3-year-olds and aneurysm patients.

Big debuted in Sonic Adventure, and was the worst thing to happen to the franchise since they forgot Robotnik's name.  And that's a title he still proudly holds!  Sonic Adventure was innovative, because you could choose from any major character and play out a different version of the story in order to see the fully intertwining plot.  Awesome.  Until you met this autistic house cat.  Big spends his entire adventure looking for his pet frog, the aptly named Froggy, by having a (thankfully small) handful of levels dedicated to running around and finding the ever-escaping amphibian.  That's right, cat, he's your only friend in the world and even he wants nothing more than to escape your presence.  The truly frustrating thing about Big, however, wasn't his dopey demeanor or his sheer pointlessness in both the plot and his own charm.  It was the fact that Big's levels were sometimes as large as the levels that other characters would play, but the only purpose was to find whatever pond had Froggy in it and start a fishing minigame to find him.  This usually required running around the level like crazy and jumping in the lake yourself to try and get the spastic camera to glimpse Froggy swimming by because there was absolutely no indication within the minigame itself as to whether or not you were fishing in the right spot.  I suppose Sega wanted you to feel satisfied when you finally caught Froggy and somehow that helped you defeat (ugh) Eggman and Chaos, but really, you just felt like scrubbing off the shame of being forced to use someone so lame to advance the story.  I'd rather just read Of Mice and Men to get my fill of mental deficiency.

Sora -- Kingdom Hearts series

Sorry, did I post a pic of Riku by accident?  That's because
he's the badass one.

I know I'm going to get some heat for this, but let's face facts.  Sora sucks.  He's such an bland, one-track-minded boy scout that when he temporarily ceases to exist, the empty shell of himself gets up and develops more of a personality than he has.  In only 3 hours of game play, Roxas becomes a more compelling character than Sora does over the entirety of the 2 main line titles in the KH series.  Sora is the Disney version of any naive anime hero, but he lacks the charismatic panache they all have in their naivete.  Instead, he often relies on swinging his keyblade wildly at enemies that can pound him into the ground until the dramatic moment (a training montage and level later) when he can take them out.  In fact, he needs a lifeline constantly, and the only reason he goes about his adventure as far as I can tell is to find the much cooler, much more competent heartthrob of the series, Riku, who he has a massive crush on.  Then again, if that were the official story reason, I might be able to forgive him, but you only get to see that one on Y-Gallery.  During Kingdom Hearts 2, you actually find out that Riku has been going on the same exact journey as you, but doing a better job of it and actually accomplishing things, whereas Sora has only managed stopgap measures in the war against the Heartless.  Riku is actually the protagonist of the game and you were only ever watching from the sidelines.  Plus, Riku gets the cooler lines.  I'm sorry, Sora, but you just plain suck.

There are plenty of other characters I wanted to get in here, but I just couldn't subject myself to thinking about that much suck at once!  I'm going to go enjoy a tasty Sephiroth vs. Cloud fight scene to cleanse my pallet, but if you think I made a bad call or have another suggestion, leave a comment and let me know!


PARTY NEWS!

Hardcore @Vlada is going to be extra awesome this month!  It's my birthday party, so I'm having plenty of surprises ready to go!  Bring your Skylanders, get ready for some Brawl action, and Champions Return to Arms!  Also, cake!  Mmmm.... cake.

Working Out with Persona

Okay, so summer is here, and gaymers, though considered more attractive than our straight counterparts in general, let's face it -- We're not known for our svelte toned bodies.  And anyone who is an exception... well, I want to kill you with fire as much as I want to take you to bed.  But with beach trips on the horizon, it's time for some simple tips to get into shape!

Face facts -- Sometimes we look like this dude.

There's no good workout game.  It's a fact.  Sure, there's Wii Fitness, but that's more of a game than a workout.  And Jillian Michaels Fitness Adventure or Zumba Fitness might get you moving, but it's tough to have the motivation for that because you're really just doing a workout, not playing a game.  That's why I came up with the RPG Work Out Strategy (TM)!

This is designed for use with Persona 3 or 4.  Why?  Because I love Persona.  Simple as that.  And it's easy.  Games like Persona have a ton of breaks in them.  So it's easy to stop what you're doing for thirty seconds to take a break and do some exercising.  I've been doing push ups, because they're less obtrusive than sit ups, can be done in a variety of ways to hit various muscles, and 'cause my pecs need work.  So every time I hit a benchmark in the game, I do a predetermined amount of exercising.  Check out this handy dandy table:

There are perks to playing this way..
Mainly looking at/like Teddie.

Increase Main Character stat (Academics, Courage, etc) = 3 push ups
Greatly increase MC stat = 6 push ups
Max MC Stat = 10 push ups
Form new Social Link = 5 push ups
Social Link up = 5 push ups
Max Social Link = 10 push ups
Fuse Persona = 1 push up per Social Link level
Open rare chest = 3 push ups
Defeat minor required boss = 5 push ups
Defeat major required boss = 10 push ups
Defeat minor optional boss (example: earning legend weapons in P4) = 10 push ups
Defeat major optional boss (example: The Reaper) = 20 push ups
Finish a quest = 5 push ups
2nd cycle or higher = all values x2

This seems like a lot, but including breaks, running around in dungeons, and cinema sequences, you'll find you accomplished something without killing yourself.  And remember, you can trade out what you're doing.  It's actually the repetition that will cause it to have benefit, but if you want to focus on abs one day and chest the next, do sit ups the first day, then the push ups.  Also, towards the end of the game, you'll be doing a lot more of everything.  Persona 4's Tower Arcana frequently gives 11-15 per scene, and fusing just a handful of Persona at end game can hit 40 easily.

Kanji must have just beat Namatame!  Feel the burn!

Is 40 push ups a work out? Absolutely not.  But if you play as long as I do, you'll probably around 100 regularly in a session, and although you could accomplish that and much more at a gym in an hour, if you're not going to the gym, you might as spend 3 hours at home playing video games and getting a little bit of a burn going.  So that's my take on things!

Of course, if you already look amazing (Go die in a fire) you can always make this a drinking game.  Divide all values by 3 (round up the 5s and round down everything else) and you're there!  Expect to be too sloshed to figure out the story by the end of the night!

Hopefully, this gets a few other gaymers off their butts and into some skimpy swimsuits.  I know it's the only way I can get myself to do anything even close to exercise, but now that I'm moving, I'm starting to feel it, and I can see it making a difference, so maybe I'll load up a DS Shin Megami Tensei game and Black Frost and I will see you boys on the beach!

Party News!

Hardcore @Vlada is going strong and the next one is Wed July 18!  And it's my birthday party!  o=^(o^_,_^o)^=o  (That's an excited Pikachu, if you can't tell.)  I'll have the whole game library with me, but featured games are going to be Champions: Return to Arms (PS2), Super Smash Bros Brawl (Wii), and Skylanders Spyro's Adventure (Wii).  Skylanders will be on our new big screen!  We've got $6 drink specials and there will even be CAKE.  Who doesn't love cake?  So come out and lets play!  Oh, and presents are encouraged!  (^_~)oV

Lord of Legends -- RTS Lite

Continuing my series on games that you'll love, but you wont want to play at a club, I've got to thank Bobby Canciello for introducing me to my newest addiction: League of Legends.  LoL is a free-to-play, pay-for-bonuses RTS-lite game based on the Warcraft series.  You play as a summoner -- ie -- a player.  It's relatively simple, and because of that simplicity, it's really fun to zone out playing for a while.

Dun dun duuuuuuunnnn......

Most RTS games (real time strategy, for any n00bs reading this) for me are too much.  If you mention Starcraft, I know about zerging but by the third level of the campaign, I'm just so flustered trying to micro-manage every aspect of the game that I lose horribly and feel like an idiot.  But in LoL, you only control one unit directly, so there's no getting overwhelmed.  The goal is to destroy your enemies' nexus, the central power hub for their forces, which spawns minions during the game.  The waves of minions are the majority of your force, and you generally use your champion to go in for the kill.

The game is deceptively simple, though.  As you trek across the map, you've got about 6 commands to worry about, and that's it.  You'll attack enemy minions, enemy champions, and turrets -- standard defense towers -- en route to the big kills.  Taking out one of three enemy inhibitors allows your nexus to spawn stronger minions, and taking out the nexus wins the game.  If your champion is injured, you can recall him to your base, heal up, buy a new item, and go back into battle.  If he's killed, you wait until he respawns at your base, which, of course, gets to be a longer and longer wait as the game goes on.

A group of minions led by Ashe assault a turret.

Defeating enemies earns your champion experience, which in turn makes him stronger.  That part is pretty standard.  But what amazes me is the variety of play styles in champions.  At any give time, there are a handful of free "loaner" champions (though you can permanently unlock champions for play by buying them with money or points you've accrued through game play), and each one is unique.  For instance, I can't play as Nunu the yeti-riding gnome to save my life.  He's big, dumb, and hits like a ton of bricks, but I just can't get him to do anything quick enough to stop him from just getting destroyed.  If I get my hands on Teemo, the scout, however, you're f*cked.  I'll zip around the map firing poison darts as needed, slaughtering every minion on your team, and picking off your champions with my dots (damage over time) before you realize what's going on.

And really, what makes the game particularly worthwhile is that it's 100% completely free if all you want to do is download and play.  And really, I can't argue with a price tag like that.  Even if you don't like fantasy, don't like real time games, and don't like Warcraft, you can still try it out, because there's no reason not to play the next time you've got nothing to do.

Oh, and add me.  My gamertag is Sheito.  So you can find out whether or not I'm all talk.  ;)

This is the face of your demise.  His name is Teemo.

PARTY NEWS

Check out Hardcore this Wednesday Night!  Video games, booze, and drag queens!

Hardcore!

and Going Viral with Misty Meaner

Vlada Lounge (51st St between 8th and 9th Aves)

10:00 pm

Since Misty has a viral theme, I thought we would, too.  So we're doing Left4Dead.  But I always have Smash Bros on hand, because Smash Bros is like condoms.  You never know when you're going to play, so you should always be prepared!  And continuing the viral theme, I'm going to have Pokemon with chlamydia on hand.  ... Super chlamydia.  Your Pokemon will recover, but in the meantime, it'll gain double EVs.  I'll be trading them over to anyone who wants one, and I'll even explain what Pokerus actually is. ... Though I prefer this interpretation.

Suikoden Tierkreis -- RPG Army-Style Goodness

If you haven't seen me on Facebook or responding to my text messages in the last few days, it's because my friend Pat bought me a copy of Suikoden Tierkreis for my birthday.  The last time I played a Suikoden game, I was thoroughly underwhelmed, but I smiled and nodded like I didn't expect it to suck.  "Oh, a sweater?  That's just what I wanted!"  That sort of thing.  But this game has ABSORBED MY LIFE.

Suikoden Tactics may have sucked, but I swear Tierkreis is amazing.

I'm a fan of classic RPGs.  There's something very stimulating to me about a game about math mechanically, but mired in a creative story.  And on the classic elements, Tierkreis does not disappoint.  It even comes with some cliched story points.  Who would believe that your main character would be an orphaned outcast with an unknown past?  That's never been done to death before!

But the story is actually rather compelling, because it starts with your standard cliches, but it moves well past it.  You start on the standard "Eradicate minor pests" mission, but your adventure is abruptly interrupted when an entire forest pops up out of nowhere.  With it comes an ancient relic, a book that gives some people who touch it super powers (read as, "Moves that cost SP.").  These new moves come with a flashbacks and memories of some epic battle that happened in he past.  At first, you just go around looking for more of the books and collecting more powers.  But when you realize the books are linked to the multiverse, things get a little more interesting, mainly because there's not supposed to be a multiverse.  You deal with political struggles, monsters from other worlds, and try to piece together your main character's past.  And the entire time, a group known as the Order of the One True Way plagues you, claiming that the future is predetermined and the only way to avoid pain and suffering is to consign yourself to a world where everyone can see the future.  Apparently, if you know it's coming, you won't get upset when tragedy strikes.  Personally, I think they're sipping too much from the crazy juice, but I'm pretty sure they're controlled by some crazy entity who wants to merge all the worlds in the multiverse into one perfectly structured moment of space-time.  Think of it as purgatory or Neon Genesis Evangelion.  But I haven't finished the game yet, so it's just a theory.

Actual character design. Mine throws knives.

But the interesting part is how well it all flows.  This game has more plot than game play at times.  But it flows so seamlessly that you really won't notice the intrusion.  And there's plenty to do.  You'll ultimately collect up to 108 characters to use in your battle.  Giants, cat-people, squeaky dolphin things, alternate reality clones -- they're all there.  And customizing them is easy.  Each character has a predetermined, but unique set of weapons they can use based on their personal story.  And they get a unique set of moves.  They pretty much stay in archetypical battle roles, but there's enough leeway that you can feel like you've customized every character.  You'll get sexy guy mages, less sexy girl mages, warriors, sword-masters, thugs, thieves, martial artists, healers, rangers, multiverse sages, and even a chef.  Also, for some reason, no male mage is allowed to wear a shirt.  It's gotta be a law or something, but I'm not complaining....  Arcane spell failure maybe?

As the game goes on, you'll outfit your entire army, go on tons of sidequests, and train multiple characters, because the fact is that you'll use most of them.  Even though I haven't touched Logan for a good 15 hours of play, he still gets caught up in the adventure once in a while.  The good thing, though, is that experience is based on level, so your under-leveled characters have to survive only one battle to catch up about half-way.  A few more battles, and suddenly the level 9 guy is up to 27 when your main party is 30.  It really takes a lot of grinding out of it, which works for me.  I prefer to keep the grinding on the dance floor.  Ultimately, it's a great game, and I'm probably going to go back to playing it now.

I have a thing for mages.  And I'm glad Tierkeis agrees with me that their clothing is optional.

PARTY NEWS

My birthday party at Splash was a blast!  And I've got to thank everyone who came out, but moreso for the people who brought me gifts!  I got a copy of Pokemon Battle Revolution, a gift card to Game Stop, and the cutest bottle of Bailey's I've ever seen!  :3  I drank it out of teeny-tiny glasses.

I'm still scheduling the next Gayme Night at Splash, but I'm very happy to announce that I'm revamping and re-releasing my monthly party at Vlada:

Shane Cherry presents Hardcore!
Wed Aug 3 at Vlada Lounge (51st St btwn 8th and 9th Aves)

This time we're teaming up with Misty Meaner and her Viral party, so I'm thinking... ZOMBIES.  This is the party for hardcore gaymers who think they can blow zombies away with extreme efficiency.  If you've got a particular game you want to play, though, comment here and let me know!

I think my favorite birthday present so far this year has been the full page promo Next Magazine did on me.  I always think I look awkward in pictures, but people keep telling me it's cute!  :)  So you can check out the online version right here.

Fluidity -- Try as I Might, I Can't Find a Good Gay Joke for This

I thought tonight I'd review an understated game, but it's one I really enjoy.  This one's for the other Nintendo fans out there.  It's Fluidity, a full Wii Ware game with a price tag of only $12.

Innovative controls for a new concept: hydration.

You play as a magical water with the ultimate goal of cleaning evil ink off a self-narrating book.  I'm pretty sure who ever came up with the concept for this game was high as a kite.  In fact, I think the entire game is made for stoners.  But rest assured, I've done thorough testing, and it's very enjoyable, even when sober.

Really, what makes Fluidity fun is the innovative controls.  They make the very odd concept for the game really engaging.  Tilting the remote tilts the book, causing your water to move around.  Shake the remote up and down, and you shake the book, making your water jump.  Collecting water bubbles gives you more water to work with, and conversely, separating drops of your water from each other will cause them to evaporate.  You'll use the water to rescue lost rubber duckies, put out fires, move gears into machines, and fight fiery sludge monsters.  Hmmm... there's something very green about that concept.  Ha ha, green.

Fire monster bad.  Water smash.

Essentially, you're working with a puzzle-based platformer.  But you'll barely notice, because it's just soooooooooo relaxing.  The game's controls are so smoothly integrated into the game that everything simply flows like .... well, like water.  The bright colors, smooth graphics, and dulcet music will relax you.  But at the same time, the puzzles are engaging enough that you won't be bored.  Time just flies by while you come up with the right pattern of jumps and waves to accomplish your goals.  It's a soothing experience -- calm, serene, but still accompanied by a feeling of accomplishment.

Ultimately, the game won't be for everyone.  It's simple, and if you're looking for a plot rivaling Final Fantasy, you won't find it.  But for only twelve bucks, it's a very engaging game that bridges the gap between puzzler and platformer.  ... .... ... And it's great when you're high.  XD

PARTY NEWS

Boiparty.com presents Twink Tuesdays GAYME Night: A Very Nerdy Birthday!

July 12th at Splash, I'm celebrating my... ugh... 26th birthday. <-_-::>
But I'll take some of the sting off it with Wii Sports, Super Mario Wii, and Super Smash Bros. Brawl.

So if you've fallen in love with this blog instantly and just have to tell me how much you love it!... or more likely, you want a night of drinking Stoli and thunder-bolting sucka's who keep trying to jump over Pikachu, come on by and I'll kick your ass a little.

It's actually going to be a huge party, so despite my not being terribly excited about being older, it's going to be amazing.  I've got a ton of guys coming out to dance and game, so if you just like hot shirtless guys on the dance floor (not to mention the Boiparty.com gogo team of pre-approved hotties), you've got plenty going on.  Besides, nerds are cute.  They have very big things in their pants... checkbooks.

I will warn you though.  I'm only ever a loud person if I'm having sex or playing video games, so if you find yourself in either situation with me, you can expect a lot of trash talk!